you put the note in my pocket again

maybe it's just me, and i'm the only one who has a problem with this. i met up with an old friend from high school again today, at a fire, and the whole time, all i could think about was how well we got along, both then and now, and how he's still ridiculously attractive. and while i hesitate to use the word 'crush' that's about as accurate as i can make it. and i don't want it.
but i feel it, so intensely, this weird, almost sick attraction to the guy, it makes my heart hurt and my stomach turn to knots. worse thing is, he's probably not attracted at all. then again, that's always been the case, so i suppose that isn't what hurts the most. well, maybe it is.
this is so much like high school that i just don't even want to think about it, but i figure it'd be better for me to say something somewhere than keep it locked up inside me, festering until i do something stupid.
oh wait, that might already be happening.
his house on saturday, maybe. i almost hope it doesn't go through, since i just don't want to deal with that potential disaster, but then again i want it to, just so i can be around him for a little longer before i have to go back to school and all of the people that i don't feel a connection with.

golly. this sure is fucked up.

knowing when enough is enough

yesterday, an old acquaintance initiated a conversation with me.

now, most people would look at this situation and be delighted to reconnect with someone they knew a while ago, someone they haven't spoken to or seen in 'ages'. i guess my problem is that this guy really isn't my favorite person, for a number of reasons. i won't go too far into the issues, but i will say that i had very strong feelings for this guy, and i thought, before our little...incident, that he had feelings for me as well. whenever feelings are involved, you know things aren't going to end well. haha.
anyway, this guy, out of the blue, initiates conversation, and it's so random, so unexpected, that i don't have time to get angry at him all over again and we end up having a very nice conversation about how his life is getting organized, and he seems to be doing very well. it makes me happy to know that he's cleaned up his act a bit. it's a downfall of mine, retaining feelings for people who i used to run with. i'll always care about them even if they're not mine to care about.

okay, i'm done with nostalgia. it gets old after awhile. i'm going to go listen to stephen jerzak and try and retain my youthful naivety.

a week ahead

it's better than a week behind.

now that my friend's bachlorette party is next weekend, and not today, i now have a free saturday, minus tonight which is a bonfire at a friend's house.

speaking of bonfires, they seem to be a very staple part of wisconsin, if not just my summer, culture. many times, people have these events solely to get drunk, because obviously fire+booze=gud tiemz. i daresay i disagree, but that's another story for another time. for me, and my little circle, they're more about catching up with one another and maintaining the friendship we had back in high school. also, i think there's something more to these things, these throwbacks to primitive times, when fire was safety and life, that makes you feel a whole lot more...at peace with everything.
as far as i'm concerned, and maybe this is just me, but i find attending a get-together where there will be a fire to be very relaxing, i daresay a sort of 'soul-cleansing' activity. maybe it's just the company, and the fact that i've had this group of friends for a very long time and they know quite a bit about me, since we always tend to share dark secrets when we can't clearly see each other's faces and it's well past midnight. i know it's good to get things off your chest, and usually i have not problem doing that in other ways, like writing or drawing, or talking to a stuffed animal, but it's undeniable that telling secrets to another human being, especially a close one, is a marvelous feeling that truly does make you feel lighter, and much closer to the reciever of your secret.

maybe i'm reading too far into this. i mean, a fire is just another social gathering, meant to bring people together for interaction with no meaning deeper than a 'hello'. but i guess people here are different. maybe just my friends and i are different. fires are more than a social gathering, they're almost like family reunions. we see people we might not have seen in awhile, we reconnect, we share.

really, fires make a family.

july, unbearable.

it's my uncle's birthday today.
happy birthday kurt.


i bought him a new cd [mastodon's 'break the skye'] as a gift, and i'm hoping that he
a] has heard of the band, doesn't have this cd and ends up liking it.
b] hasn't heard of the band, obviously won't have the cd, and ends up liking it.
or
c] has the cd, and appreciates that i know how to pick music out for people.

on the off chance he doesn't like it, i went classy on him and gave him the original receipt.
sorry i forgot to ask for a gift receipt, golly.


but i do pride myself on my ability to guess what sort of music a person may or may not like. however, my ability isn't fool-proof, as in the case with my mother, who took a shining to panic! at the disco and now is just as excited as i am to go and see them with chester french, fall out boy [another one of her favorites, right up there with def leppard], and blink-182. [which she claims she's never heard of. i was sickened by that statement, honestly.] it's actually sort of nice, having a parent interested in similar bands as yourself, since concerts are expensive, i am a poor college student who still lives at home, and all i have to do is suffer through a family vacation to mt. rushmore after the said ear orgy. i thought it was a fair deal. i just plan on bringing the laptop and talking ceaslessly about how hot it is out west, and how much i'd rather be, well, not there. i mean, don't families normally take these sort of trips when the children are younger? my sister is 15, and i myself am nearly at the end of my teenage life...maybe we'll be easier to cart around now than if we had been five- and nine-year-olds.

haha, here's to hoping.